Give me 20 ludicrous reasons for returning a gift

 

Give me 20 ludicrous reasons for returning a gift

1. This self-help book on positive thinking keeps attracting negative ions, making me grumpy.
2. The scented candles smell suspiciously like disappointment. I prefer hope-scented ones.
3. The automatic fish feeder keeps flinging kibble everywhere. My goldfish are developing throwing arms.
4. The singing cactus won't stop serenading me with show tunes. I'm more of a heavy metal cactus person.
5. The self-cleaning yoga mat keeps trying to escape and join the local pilates class.
6. This comfy armchair seems to be haunted by the ghost of a very chatty accountant.
7. The personalized coffee mug insists on displaying a different embarrassing childhood photo every time I pour.
8. The high-tech watering can keeps whispering gardening secrets to my plants. Now they're plotting to overthrow me.
9. The glow-in-the-dark pajamas keep attracting fireflies. My bedroom looks like a disco for insects.
10. This self-portrait painting keeps blinking at me. It's very unnerving.
11. The supposedly indestructible phone case keeps shattering into confetti whenever I ring someone.
12. The ergonomic office chair keeps adjusting itself into increasingly uncomfortable positions. Apparently, it has a sadistic streak.
13. The automatic sock sorter insists on putting all my socks in pairs with mismatched patterns.
14. The talking alarm clock keeps calling me out for my terrible life choices. It's rude!
15. The robot vacuum cleaner keeps getting stuck under the furniture and screaming for help in a surprisingly eloquent voice.
16. This supposedly hypoallergenic cat sheds glitter. My allergies are confused and bedazzled.
17. The self-stirring mug keeps stirring even when there's nothing in it. It's mocking my empty life.
18. The exercise bike keeps registering phantom rides. Apparently, I'm a world champion cyclist in my sleep.
19. The personalized wind chimes keep spelling out insults in Morse code.
20. This book of inspirational quotes keeps getting the quotes hilariously wrong. "The early bird gets the worm? More like fashionable shoes!"