Negative Neurotic Needs

Negative neurotic needs

 

Neurotic needs, as described by psychoanalyst Karen Horney, are deep-seated desires that drive our behavior, often stemming from early childhood experiences. While these needs can be a normal part of personality development, they become negative when they become rigid and lead to unhealthy or self-defeating behaviors. Here's a breakdown of three main categories of negative neurotic needs:

 

1. Needs Moving Towards Others (Compliance):

 

• Need for Affection and Approval: This need manifests in a constant desire to please others and gain their love and acceptance. People with this negative need might become overly clingy, submissive, or afraid of any conflict.
• Need for a Powerful Partner: This need involves a desire to attach oneself to someone strong and successful for security. It can lead to a lack of independence and a fear of being alone.
• Need for Unrestricted Surrender: This extreme need involves a desire to completely merge with another person, often a romantic partner. It can lead to a loss of self-identity and unhealthy codependency.

2. Needs Moving Away From Others (Detachment):

• Need for Power and Prestige: This need involves a strong desire to dominate and control others, often fueled by feelings of insecurity. It can manifest as aggression, manipulation, or a ruthless pursuit of success.
• Need for Admiration: This need involves a constant desire to be admired and envied by others. It can lead to arrogance, bragging, and a lack of genuine connection with others.
• Need for Personal Autonomy and Independence: This need, in its negative form, involves a complete aversion to any dependence on others, even for basic needs. It can lead to isolation, loneliness, and a difficulty forming close relationships.

3. Needs Moving Against Others (Hostility):

• Need to Exploit Others: This need involves a desire to take advantage of others and manipulate them for personal gain. It can lead to dishonesty, deceit, and a lack of empathy.
• Need to Mistrust Others: This need stems from a deep-seated belief that everyone is untrustworthy and has malicious intentions. It can lead to suspicion, paranoia, and difficulty forming trusting relationships.
• Need for Destructiveness and Vindictiveness: This is the most extreme form, where the individual derives satisfaction from hurting or destroying others, especially those they perceive as a threat.

 

An ulterior motive is a hidden reason someone might have for doing something. It's a purpose they don't reveal upfront, and it can be positive or negative.

Here's the breakdown:

• Hidden: The key aspect is that the motive is not openly stated. There's a layer of secrecy to it.
• Reason: It's a driving force behind someone's actions. It explains why they're doing something.
• Secret: They don't want you to know the real reason they're acting.

For example, someone might befriend you to get close to another person in your circle (ulterior motive). Or, a company might offer a seemingly great free service to collect your data (ulterior motive).

It's important to note that ulterior motives aren't inherently bad. Someone might offer to help you with a project to learn a new skill themselves (both a helpful action and an ulterior motive to gain experience).

An ulterior motive is a hidden reason someone might have for doing something. It's a purpose they don't reveal upfront, and it can be positive or negative.

Ulterior Motives: The Hidden Gears of Action

We all have reasons for doing things, but sometimes, there's an extra layer - an ulterior motive. This hidden agenda is a purpose someone keeps under wraps, potentially for positive or negative reasons. It can be like a secret gear driving someone's actions, unseen but influencing the outcome.

Ulterior motives often involve a mismatch between what someone says and why they're truly doing something. A colleague volunteering to help you with a project might genuinely want to be supportive (good motive), but also have an ulterior motive of learning a new skill you possess (self-serving motive).

On the flip side, someone showering you with compliments could be genuinely impressed (good motive), or they might have an ulterior motive of manipulating you for their own gain (bad motive).

Identifying ulterior motives can be tricky. People can be very good at hiding them, and sometimes we project our own suspicions onto innocent situations. However, there are clues to look for. Does someone's offer of help seem too good to be true? Does their behavior contradict their words?

4 examples of ulterior motives

1. The Flattered Friend: Imagine your friend suddenly starts praising your fashion sense out of the blue. Their ulterior motive could be wanting to borrow an outfit from you for an upcoming event (positive for them, but not necessarily revealed upfront).

2. The Helpful Colleague: At work, a colleague volunteers to help you with a challenging report. Their stated motive might be pure teamwork, but they might also have an ulterior motive of wanting to impress the boss by showcasing their own skills through your project (positive for them, but not the only reason).

3. The Discount Charmer: A salesperson at a store is overly friendly and showers you with compliments on your taste. Their ulterior motive could be to convince you to buy an expensive item you might not necessarily need (positive for them, but hidden behind a facade of friendliness).

4. The Brokenhearted Gift-Giver: Your ex suddenly sends you flowers "just because." Their ulterior motive could be a desire to rekindle the relationship or gauge your interest in getting back together (negative for you if you've moved on, and their true motive is hidden behind a seemingly sweet gesture).