"Trash Panda" Wreaks Havoc

 

BREAKING NEWS: 

Partisan "Trash Panda" Wreaks Havoc on Spruce Flats GOP Picnic

SPRUCE FLATS, POCAHONTAS COUNTY, W.Va. — Local law enforcement and animal control are currently on the lookout for a masked bandit described as "small, furry, and suspiciously left-leaning" following a chaotic scene at a Republican fundraising picnic on Spruce Flats this past Saturday.

The suspect, a 20-pound male raccoon now locally dubbed "The Blue Wave," allegedly orchestrated a targeted strike against the Pocahontas County GOP’s annual "Red Wave & Ribs" barbecue. While no serious injuries were reported, the emotional damage—and the loss of several high-quality bratwursts—has been described as "total."

"It was calculated. That’s the only word for it," said Earl Ray "Buck" Miller, the event organizer. "There were three Democrats walking their dogs on the trail nearby, and that critter didn’t even look at 'em. But the second I put on my 'Reagan Bush ‘84' cap, it dropped out of a Spruce tree like a furry paratrooper."

Eyewitnesses report the chaos began around 1:00 PM, just as the keynote speech on fiscal responsibility was beginning. The raccoon reportedly bypassed the recycling bin entirely—a move some attendees noted was ironically un-progressive—and made a beeline for the VIP table.

"He didn't want the coleslaw. He wanted the elephant-shaped cookies," said Martha Higgins, the treasurer. "He hissed at the potato salad, knocked over a stack of voter registration forms, and then specifically targeted a gentleman wearing a red tie. He literally untied it. I’ve never seen such dexterity. It was like he had political training."

Chaos ensued as the raccoon, clutching a stolen bag of hamburger buns, led several prominent local committee members on a high-speed chase through the rhododendrons.

"I tried to reason with it," said local resident Jimbo Vance. "I yelled, 'Hey! That’s private property!' But he just chattered at me and threw a half-eaten corn cob. It felt like a filibuster."

Rumors have already begun to circulate on local social media pages that the raccoon was trained by opposition operatives, though authorities are skeptical.

"We have no evidence to suggest this raccoon is a registered Democrat," said Sheriff Deputy Dale Pocatalico in a press briefing, struggling to keep a straight face. "However, we are advising residents that this animal is armed with sharp claws and is considered dangerous to anyone holding a hot dog. We are currently treating this as a hangry wildlife incident, not a partisan insurrection."

The raccoon was last seen scrambling up a massive oak tree near the Greenbrier River, reportedly wearing a stolen "Don't Tread on Me" bumper sticker stuck to its tail.

The Pocahontas County GOP has vowed to reschedule the event, though organizers say next time, they will be hiring a "bipartisan security detail" (two large coonhounds).