ELK MOUNTAIN — Local authorities are baffled, terrified, and honestly a little bit impressed after a reported Sasquatch sighting at the Elk Mountain Summit Campground this weekend. While physical evidence remains elusive, the emotional scars left on a group of visiting hikers may last a lifetime.
The incident occurred late Saturday night when the "Weekend Warriors" hiking club, a group of friends from the city, were settling in for an evening of artisanal s'mores and acoustic guitar covers of Wonderwall.
According to witness statements, a "colossal, hairy figure" emerged from the treeline at approximately 10:15 PM. However, rather than roaring or attacking, the creature reportedly engaged in what authorities are classifying as "judgmental browsing."
"He didn't growl," said witness Carl Bancroft, 28, still clutching his titanium spork. "He just walked up to our cooler, opened it, and let out this long, disappointed sigh. He pushed aside the domestic light soda, grabbed the six-pack of Hazy Mango IPA, and just walked back into the dark. He didn't even pay for it. The audacity."
The Evidence
As is tradition with all cryptid encounters, the photographic evidence is inexplicably terrible. Despite the hikers possessing three iPhone 15 Pros and a DSLR camera with a telephoto lens, the only image captured looks like a thumb smeared with barbecue sauce.
"It’s the electromagnetic field," claimed local cryptozoologist and part-time bait shop owner, 'Wild' Bill Henderson. "The Sasquatch emits a frequency that specifically targets high-resolution sensors and turns them into 1990s security camera footage. It’s science."
However, Park Ranger Sarah Jenkins offered a different theory regarding the blurry photo and the stolen beer.
"Look, I’m not saying it wasn't Bigfoot," Ranger Jenkins told reporters while aggressively rubbing her temples. "I’m just saying that a 7-foot-tall hairy man stealing craft soda sounds a lot like my ex-husband, Gary, who lives in a yurt three miles north of here. We are currently looking into Gary's whereabouts."
A "Chill" Monster?
Perhaps most disturbing was the creature's demeanor. Another camper, Jessica Thorne, claims the beast paused before leaving to critique their campsite setup.
"He stopped at my tent, shook his head at my knot-tying work, and fixed the tension on my rain fly," Thorne whispered, visibly shaken. "He has surprisingly dexterous hands. And he smelled like... cedar and disappointment? Honestly, I’ve had worse dates."
Official Response
The Elk Mountain Sheriff’s Department has issued a statement advising campers to secure their food and "maybe bring better soda" to avoid provoking the creature's palate.
"We are treating this as a Class 4 Cryptid Event," the Sheriff said. "Which means we will drive up there, shine a flashlight around for five minutes, and then go to the diner. If you see the suspect, do not approach. He is large, hairy, and apparently a snob."
At press time, the Sasquatch was reportedly seen near the trailhead, seemingly trying to connect to the visitor center’s Wi-Fi.
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