Here is the "Honky-Tonk Hilarity Top 40," a countdown of the greatest fictional country songs about trucks, dogs, ex-wives, and poor life choices.
The Top 10: Chart-Topping Heartbreak
I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim Is Getting Better – Bubba "Sniper" Jones
She Got The Gold Mine (I Got The Shaft) – The Alimony All-Stars
If The Phone Don't Ring, You Know It's Me – Silent Sam & The Dial Tones
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Goodbye – Loretta & The Leavers
I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling – Split Pin Slim
She Left Me For A Yoga Instructor (And Now I’m Bent Out Of Shape) – Flex T. Bone
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him – Lonely Larry
I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Almost Like Having You Here – The Passive Aggressives
You’re The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly – Conway Twitty & Loretta Wrong
I Bought The Shoes That Just Walked Out On Me – Bankrupt Bill
11–20: Drinking & Thinking
I’m Not Drunk, I’m Just Fluent In Slur – Jack Daniels & The Cokes
The Whiskey Ain't Workin' (So I'm Switchin' To Turpentine) – Desperate Dan
She’s Acting Single, I’m Drinking Doubles – Gary Stewart’s Ghost
I Kissed Her On The Lips But Left My Dip Behind – Copenhagen Charlie
My Liver Is The Only Thing Working Overtime – Union Joe
It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long – The Notorious B.I.G. Truck
I Liked You Better Before I Sobered Up – Morning Regret
Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off (But It Just Makes Me Fall Down) – Floorboard Frank
I’ve Got The Hungover Blues (And I’m Wearing Them Too) – Denim Dan
21–30: Trucks, Trains & Prisons
My Truck’s Worth More Than My House (And It Runs Better Too) – Silverado Steve
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? – The Clingy Cowboys
Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head) – The Swatters
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Lock – Grease Monkey Mike
She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy (But She Hasn’t Seen My Credit Score) – Debt Ceiling Dave
Ain’t No Traffic On The Extra Mile – Motivational Monty
I’m Stuck In Folsom Prison (And The WiFi Is Terrible) – Inmate #404
My Dog Can Count To Ten, But I Can’t Count On You – Barkley & The Boys
You Can Have The Double-Wide, But I’m Taking The Wheels – Mobile Home Homer’ Patience Peterson
31–40: The Deep Cuts
Her Teeth Were Stained With Tobacco, But Her Heart Was Pure Gold – Smokey Robinson (No relation)
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You – The Amnesiacs
If Can't Be Good, Be Gone (But Leave The Beer) – The Empty Cans
She Blocked Me On Facebook, But She Can't Block My Driveway – Stalker Steve
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? – The Stay-at-Homes
I Married Her For Her Daddy's Pontoon – Lake Life Lenny
May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose – Little Jimmy Dickens
Don't Cry On My Shoulders ('Cause You're Rusting My Spurs) – Ironclad Ike
Did I Shave My Legs For This? – Deana Carter
Would you like me to generate lyrics for any of these titles?
Here are the lyrics for the chart-topping fictional hit, "Her Teeth Were Stained With Tobacco, But Her Heart Was Pure Gold" by Smokey Robinson (No relation).
Title: Her Teeth Were Stained With Tobacco, But Her Heart Was Pure Gold
Artist: Smokey Robinson (No relation)
Album: Spittoons & Swoons
Tempo: Mid-tempo waltz with a heavy steel guitar intro
(Intro: A lonely fiddle weeps, followed by the "pting" sound of a spittoon)
(Verse 1)
I met her down at the Quick-Stop, by the beef jerky rack
She was buyin’ a scratch-off and a fresh pouch of Jack
I asked for her number, she gave me a grin
That showed me exactly just where she had been
It wasn’t pearly white, it wasn’t Colgate clean
It was the color of hickory and Wintergreen
But when she laughed, Lord, the skies turned to blue
Even if she did spit on my brand new shoe.
(Chorus)
Oh, her teeth were stained with tobacco
Like a fence post covered in mud
She had a pinch of Copenhagen
Runnin’ through her blood
Some folks saw the brown spots, and their stories were told
Yeah, her teeth were stained with tobacco...
But her heart was pure gold.
(Verse 2)
Our first date was magic, we went to the fair
She won me a goldfish and fixed up her hair
I went in to kiss her, underneath the pale moon
She said, "Hold on a second, hand me that spitoon"
It tastes a bit earthy when our lips finally meet
Like kisses from an angel who’s been chewing peat
But she pulled me out of the ditch when my truck broke down
The strongest, sweetest woman in this whole dang town.
(Bridge)
Now, city girls sparkle with veneers so bright
They gleam in the dark like a neon light
But give me a gal with a lip full of dip
Who won't let a "I Love You" just give you the slip
She don't need no whitening, she don't need no crest
She’s got a tin in her pocket and love in her chest!
(Guitar Solo: Played entirely on a banjo and a washboard)
(Chorus)
Oh, her teeth were stained with tobacco
Like a fence post covered in mud
She had a pinch of Copenhagen
Runnin’ through her blood
Some folks saw the brown spots, and their stories were told
Yeah, her teeth were stained with tobacco...
But her heart was pure gold.
(Outro - Spoken Word)
Yeah, I love you honey.
You look beautiful tonight.
Is that... is that a new flavor?
Mint? Fancy.
Just don't get it on the upholstery.
(Fade out with one last energetic "Yee-haw!")
Would you like me to generate the album art for this masterpiece, or write the lyrics for another song on the list?
Here are the lyrics for the financial tragedy and honky-tonk ballad, "I Bought The Shoes That Just Walked Out On Me" by Bankrupt Bill.
Title: I Bought The Shoes That Just Walked Out On Me
Artist: Bankrupt Bill
Album: Chapter 11 & Heartbreak
Tempo: Slow, dragging blues with a mournful harmonica
(Intro: The sound of a cash register dinging, followed immediately by a low, sad bass line)
(Verse 1)
We went down to the mall on a Saturday noon
I was hummin’ a love song, whistlin’ a tune
She pointed at the window, said "Baby, please?"
At a pair of red stilettos that would weaken your knees.
They cost four hundred dollars, plus the tax
I put it on the Visa, just to relax
I thought I was buyin’ her a night on the town
But I was buyin’ the ticket to let me down.
(Chorus)
Yeah, I bought the shoes that just walked out on me
I financed the footprints of her setin' me free
I paid for the leather, I paid for the heel
Now I’m eatin’ alone from a happy meal.
The receipt is in my pocket, the debt is on my phone
And the boots I’m still payin’ for are leavin’ me alone
Oh, the irony stings like a killer bee
I bought the shoes that just walked out on me.
(Verse 2)
I heard the click-clack on the hardwood floor
Sounded like a gavel at the courthouse door
She packed up her bags and she grabbed her coat
And she walked across the carpet like a billy goat.
She didn't take the toaster, she left the antique lamp
She left the bill for the water and the postage stamp
But she laced up those beauties I bought last week
And kicked my heart right into the creek.
(Bridge)
Now the repo man is lookin’ at my Chevrolet
And my credit score is droppin’ every single day
I got a closet full of boxes, emptiness and dust
Turns out "Interest Rate" ain't the only kind of trust!
She’s walkin’ tall in another zip code
While I’m stuck here, carryin’ the load.
(Guitar Solo: A weeping slide guitar that sounds like a declining credit card machine)
(Chorus)
Yeah, I bought the shoes that just walked out on me
I financed the footprints of her setin' me free
I paid for the leather, I paid for the heel
Now I’m eatin’ alone from a happy meal.
The receipt is in my pocket, the debt is on my phone
And the boots I’m still payin’ for are leavin’ me alone
Oh, the irony stings like a killer bee
I bought the shoes that just walked out on me.
(Outro - Spoken Word)
You know... they had a thirty-day return policy.
If she’d have just left on day twenty-nine, I could’ve got store credit.
Now I’m just payin’ 24% APR on loneliness.
...Bill? Bill, your card was declined.
Dang it.
(Fade out with a heavy sigh)
Would you like me to visualize these expensive shoes with an image
Here are the lyrics for the high-energy, slapstick bluegrass hit, "Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)" by The Swatters.
Title: Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
Artist: The Swatters
Album: Insecticide & Homicide
Tempo: Lightning-fast Bluegrass breakdown (think banjos on espresso)
(Intro: A furious banjo roll, a fiddle screeching like a mosquito, and the rhythmic stomp of boots on a wooden porch)
(Verse 1)
Well, Papa was a-nappin’ in his rocking chair
With his mouth wide open and losein' his hair
He’d been plowin’ the fields since a quarter to four
Now he’s sawin’ logs with a thunderous snore.
Then down from the sky came a devil with wings
A big ol’ horsefly with a stinger that stings
It circled around past the lemonade jug
And landed right smack on his bald-headed rug!
(Chorus)
(Hey!)
Mama get the hammer, there’s a fly on Papa’s head!
The swatter ain’t enough, we gotta kill it dead!
Put down the dish towel, grab the ball-peen
The biggest dang skeeter-hawk you ever have seen!
Steady your aim, don't leave him for dead
Just Mama get the hammer, there’s a fly on Papa’s head!
(Verse 2)
Well, Mama came runnin’ from the kitchen screen
With a look in her eye that was dark and mean
She grabbed the sledgehammer from the rusty shed
Said, "Hold still, Darlin', I’m gonna paint the porch red."
The fly did a jig on Papa’s left ear
Mama windin' up, shiftin' into gear
She swung that hickory with all of her might
But the fly buzzed off and she turned out his light!
(Sound effect: CRACK! followed by a confused groan)
(Chorus)
(Hey!)
Mama get the hammer, there’s a fly on Papa’s head!
The swatter ain’t enough, we gotta kill it dead!
Put down the dish towel, grab the ball-peen
The biggest dang skeeter-hawk you ever have seen!
Steady your aim, don't leave him for dead
Just Mama get the hammer, there’s a fly on Papa’s head!
(Bridge)
Now the porch is in splinters, the rocker is trash
Papa’s got a lump and a mighty big gash
But that fly is landin’ on the tip of his nose
Mama said, "Pass me the shovel and the garden hose!"
"I ain't gonna quit 'til the battle is won
Go get the pistol and the elephant gun!"
(Instrumental Solo: A frantic duel between a fiddle and a washboard that sounds like buzzing wings)
(Verse 3)
Well, the dust finally settled and the sun went down
We’re the loudnest family in this quiet town
Papa’s unconscious but he’s sleepin’ sound
And the house is leveled all the way to the ground.
We never got the fly, he flew back to the swamp
But Papa looks peaceful after that there stomp.
(Chorus)
(One last time!)
Mama get the hammer, there’s a fly on Papa’s head!
The swatter ain’t enough, we gotta kill it dead!
Put down the dish towel, grab the ball-peen
The biggest dang skeeter-hawk you ever have seen!
Steady your aim, don't leave him for dead
Just Mama get the hammer, there’s a fly on Papa’s head!
(Outro - Spoken Word)
Did you get him, Martha?
No... I think I just fixed his migraine though.
Look out, it's on the dog now!
Hand me the chainsaw!
(Final chaotic banjo strum and a chainsaw revving sound)
Would you like me to create an image of this chaotic porch scene, or write the lyrics for "I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling"?
Here are the lyrics for the canine-centric heartbreak hit, "My Dog Can Count To Ten, But I Can’t Count On You" by Barkley & The Boys.
Title: My Dog Can Count To Ten, But I Can’t Count On You
Artist: Barkley & The Boys
Album: Paw Prints On My Heart
Tempo: Lighthearted acoustic swing (think "boy and his dog" walking down a dirt road)
(Intro: A happy whistle, a rhythmic acoustic guitar strum, and a distinct "Woof!" on the downbeat)
(Verse 1)
I got a Border Collie mix named Einstein Ray
He’s the smartest critter in the U.S.A.
I say "Ray, what’s two plus two?"
He barks four times, right on cue.
He fetches the paper and he pours my tea
He’s got a GED in loyalty.
But then there’s you, darlin’, with your pretty face
Comin’ in last in the reliability race.
(Chorus)
Yeah, my dog can count to ten, but I can’t count on you
He knows his arithmetic, but your love is never true
I hold up five fingers, he gives me a high-five
I ask you where you’ve been, and you feed me a jive.
He’s a mathematical genius, faithful through and through
My dog can count to ten... but I can’t count on you.
(Verse 2)
I asked you to meet me at half-past eight
You showed up at midnight, stumblein' through the gate.
I told Ray to "Stay" when I went to the store
He was still right there when I walked through the door.
If I ask Ray to calculate the square root of nine
He yips three times and he wags his behind.
If I ask you to promise not to break my heart
You look confused before you even start.
(Bridge)
They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks
But he learned to play poker and pick up sticks.
You can’t even learn to pick up the phone
So I’m stayin’ here with Ray and a milk-bone.
He don't lie, he don't cheat, he don't run around
Best dang accountant in this whole town!
(Instrumental Solo: A playful whistling solo accompanied by a rhythmic thumping, like a tail wagging against a floorboard)
(Chorus)
Yeah, my dog can count to ten, but I can’t count on you
He knows his arithmetic, but your love is never true
I hold up five fingers, he gives me a high-five
I ask you where you’ve been, and you feed me a jive.
He’s a mathematical genius, faithful through and through
My dog can count to ten... but I can’t count on you.
(Outro - Spoken Word)
Alright Ray, show 'er what you know.
What's ten minus three?
(Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!)
That's a good boy! Seven!
Now darlin', how many chances did I give you?
...Zero?
See? Even the cat knows that one.
Let's go, Ray. We're going to PetSmart.
(Fade out with panting and the jingle of a dog collar)
Would you like me to generate an image of Einstein Ray showing off his math skills, or shall we get wild with "She’s Acting Single, I’m Drinking Doubles"?
Here are the lyrics for the stoic, maintenance-obsessed cowboy ballad, "Don't Cry On My Shoulders ('Cause You're Rusting My Spurs)" by Ironclad Ike.
Title: Don't Cry On My Shoulders ('Cause You're Rusting My Spurs)
Artist: Ironclad Ike
Album: Stainless Steel Heart
Tempo: A stiff, rhythmic Western Swing (think marching beat)
(Intro: A lonely steel guitar slide, followed by the distinct jingle-jangle of heavy spurs and the pssht of a WD-40 can)
(Verse 1)
You’re leanin’ on me heavy, tears fallin’ like the rain
You’re pourin’ out your heart, and talkin’ ‘bout your pain.
Your puppy ran away, and your boss man was a jerk
And you need a little comfort after such a day of work.
I wanna hug you, darlin’, I wanna hold you tight
But I spent four hours polishin’ before I came tonight.
There’s physics involved here, simple chemistry
And your emotional output is bad for my accessory.
(Chorus)
So don't cry on my shoulders, honey please refrain
You’re creating a chemical reaction that’s driving me insane.
The salt in your teardrops is a corrosive curse
It travels down the denim and it makes matters worse.
I love you mighty dearly, for better or for hers
But don’t cry on my shoulders, 'cause you’re rusting my spurs.
(Verse 2)
These rowels are nickel-plated, custom made in Santa Fe
They cost me forty head of cattle and a bale of hay.
I keep 'em oiled and shiny, reflectin' like a mirror
But oxidation happens when you get a little nearer.
Last time you got weepy watchin' Old Yeller on TV
My left boot seized up solid, stuck at ninety degrees.
I walked in circles for a week, a sad and squeaky man
I ain't riskin' that again without a backup plan.
(Bridge)
Here’s a handkerchief made of cotton, dry your pretty eyes
Or stand a little to the left, where the humidity dies.
I got a can of Rust-Oleum in the pocket of my vest
But I’d rather keep dry instead of puttin' it to the test.
Love is fleeting, baby, emotions come and go
But iron oxide damage is forever, don't you know?
(Guitar Solo: A rigid, mechanical sounding guitar solo with a metallic twang)
(Chorus)
So don't cry on my shoulders, honey please refrain
You’re creating a chemical reaction that’s driving me insane.
The salt in your teardrops is a corrosive curse
It travels down the denim and it makes matters worse.
I love you mighty dearly, for better or for hers
But don’t cry on my shoulders, 'cause you’re rusting my spurs.
(Outro - Spoken Word)
Now, look at that.
I see a spot right there on the shank.
It’s turnin’ orange already.
Do you know how hard it is to get rust off a rowel?
You need steel wool, elbow grease...
Stop sniffling! You're making it worse!
Just text me your problems, okay? From a safe distance.
(Fade out with the sound of vigorous scrubbing with a wire brush)
Would you like me to generate an image of Ironclad Ike and his pristine spurs, or write the lyrics for "I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Lock"?
Here are the lyrics for the claustrophobic country anthem, "How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?" by The Stay-at-Homes.
Title: How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
Artist: The Stay-at-Homes
Album: Suffocating Affection
Tempo: Upbeat, nervous honky-tonk (fast-paced, like someone trying to outrun a shadow)
(Intro: A door slamming, followed by a knock immediately after, and a heavy, exasperated sigh)
(Verse 1)
I woke up this mornin’, you were starin’ at my face
I went to the kitchen, you were takin’ up space.
I tried to drink my coffee and read the mornin’ news
But you were readin’ over my shoulder, shinin’ my shoes.
I went out to the mailbox just to get a breath of air
I turned around twice, and darlin', you were standin’ there.
You’re stickier than syrup on a Waffle House plate
I need a little absence before it gets too late!
(Chorus)
Oh, how can I miss you if you won’t go away?
I need a little vacay from your face every day.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and true
But I ain't had a minute to be fond of you!
Pack a bag, take a hike, go visit the zoo
Just get out of the house for an hour or two.
I wanna pine for your touch, I wanna beg you to stay
But how can I miss you if you won’t go away?
(Verse 2)
I went to the garage just to hide behind the truck
But you were in the passenger seat, wishin’ me luck.
I tried to take a shower, I locked the bathroom door
You were slidin’ little love notes across the title floor.
You’re like a human shadow that works in the dark
You’re glued to my side like the bark on a park.
I love you, honey, really, I swear that it’s a fact
But this velcro relationship is gonna crack!
(Bridge)
I dream of the moment you walk out the gate
I’ll sit on the sofa and I’ll just luxuriate.
I’ll wonder where you are, I’ll worry if you’re fine
I’ll finally have a reason to make you my Valentine!
But right now you’re breathing my oxygen supply
And pokein' me in the ribs just to say "Hi!"
(Guitar Solo: A frantic, chaotic solo that sounds like a chase scene)
(Chorus)
Oh, how can I miss you if you won’t go away?
I need a little vacay from your face every day.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and true
But I ain't had a minute to be fond of you!
Pack a bag, take a hike, go visit the zoo
Just get out of the house for an hour or two.
I wanna pine for your touch, I wanna beg you to stay
But how can I miss you if you won’t go away?
(Outro - Spoken Word)
Honey? Honey, what are you doing in the vocal booth?
I'm recording a song about... never mind.
No, I don't need a harmony.
No, I don't need you to hold the microphone.
Please, just go to the store.
Buy milk. Buy bread. Buy a time-share in Florida.
Just go!
(Fade out with the sound of a deadbolt sliding shut)
Would you like me to generate the lyrics for "She Blocked Me On Facebook, But She Can't Block My Driveway" next, or perhaps an image of this clingy couple?
Here are the lyrics for the digital-age obsessive ballad, "She Blocked Me On Facebook, But She Can't Block My Driveway" by Stalker Steve.
(Disclaimer: This song is a parody of the "romantic persistence" trope often found in country music. Please respect restraining orders.)
Title: She Blocked Me On Facebook, But She Can't Block My Driveway
Artist: Stalker Steve
Album: Connection Timed Out
Tempo: A heavy, driving rock-country beat (like a truck idling loudly)
(Intro: The sound of a dial-up modem connecting, abruptly cut off by a loud truck horn and a gravel skid)
(Verse 1)
I woke up this mornin’ with a notification itch
Went to check her profile, see which photo I should stitch.
But her face was gone, just a silhouette of grey
And the "Message" button vanished, blew me right away.
She unfriended me at breakfast, she blocked me by noon
Deleted all our memories, like a digital typhoon.
Mark Zuckerberg might help her hide her status update feed
But I got a Ford F-350 and a desperate need.
(Chorus)
Yeah, she blocked me on Facebook, deleted my tweets
She scrubbed me from the internet and erased me from the streets.
She thinks a "Privacy Setting" is gonna keep us apart
But there ain't no algorithm for a redneck heart.
She can click that mouse, she can have her say
She blocked me on Facebook...
But she can’t block my driveway!
(No, I’m parked sideways, darlin’!)
(Verse 2)
I tried to view her Instagram, but I got "User Not Found"
So I drove over to her place and I parked on the ground.
Right across the gravel, bumper to the fence
Waitin' for a signal, or a little common sense.
She’s peekin’ through the blinds, I can see her shakin’ head
She can’t get her Honda out to go and buy some bread.
She can report me as "Spam," she can flag me as "Abuse"
But until she talks to me, her sedan is of no use!
(Bridge)
I’m a physical firewall, a firewall of steel
I’m real-life pop-up ad that you can touch and feel.
The Wi-Fi might be disconnectin’, the signal might be weak
But I brought a cooler and a tent, and I’m stayin’ here all week!
You can’t "Swipe Left" on a three-ton truck!
(Guitar Solo: A distorted electric guitar solo that mimics the sound of a ringtone)
(Chorus)
Yeah, she blocked me on Facebook, deleted my tweets
She scrubbed me from the internet and erased me from the streets.
She thinks a "Privacy Setting" is gonna keep us apart
But there ain't no algorithm for a redneck heart.
She can click that mouse, she can have her say
She blocked me on Facebook...
But she can’t block my driveway!
(Outro - Spoken Word)
Honey? I know you're in there.
I see the blue light of your phone screen.
Just come out and accept my friend request.
In real life.
...Is that sirens?
Did you tag the Sheriff in a post?
That’s... that’s not very "Social Media" of you.
Hold on, I gotta put this in reverse.
(Fade out with sirens approaching and tires spinning in gravel)
And that concludes our tour of the Top 40 charts! Would you like me to do anything else for you, perhaps create an album cover for Stalker Steve?
Here are the lyrics for the oral hygiene-challenged ballad, "I Kissed Her On The Lips But Left My Dip Behind" by Copenhagen Charlie.
Title: I Kissed Her On The Lips But Left My Dip Behind
Artist: Copenhagen Charlie
Album: Long Cut Love Songs
Tempo: A mid-tempo, two-step shuffle with a prominent jaw harp
(Intro: A deep sigh followed by the sound of a spittoon going 'ping!' and a lively acoustic guitar lick)
(Verse 1)
Well, I met her at the county fair, beneath the Tilt-A-Whirl
She was a blue-ribbon beauty, a genuine country girl.
She had eyes like summer sky and hair like golden hay
I knew right then and there I had to make my play.
We walked around the midway, shared a funnel cake or two
I was nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin' shoes.
I had a pinch of Wintergreen tucked in my lower lip
To calm my jittery nerves on this romantic trip.
(Chorus)
And then I kissed her on the lips, beneath the pale moonlight
A moment of pure passion, it felt so dang gone right.
But when I pulled away, to gaze into her eyes
I saw a look of horror, a terrible surprise.
Her pearly whites were stained with a smudge of brownish-green
The most unromantic sight that you have ever seen.
Yeah, I stole a little sugar, a sweet and tender find
But I kissed her on the lips and left my dip behind.
(Verse 2)
She sputtered and she gagged, and she wiped her pretty mouth
And let out a screech that was heard all through the South.
She said, "What in tarnation is this grit upon my tongue?!"
I said, "Forgive me darlin', that's just where my habit hung."
She looked like she’d been bobbin’ for apples in a swamp
My chances with that filly had just taken a permanentomp.
She didn't want a second date, she didn't want a hug
She just wanted a gallon of mouthwash and a spit-jug.
(Bridge)
Now I’m sittin’ here alone, with a fresh pouch in my jeans
Contemplatin’ life and what this whole thing means.
A man’s gotta have his priorities, it’s a delicate design
Between a fine fillet and his favorite brand of fine.
I lost a good woman, that’s a sad and sober fact
But I also lost a quarter-tin, and I ain’t gettin’ that back!
(Guitar Solo: A twangy, bluesy solo that sounds like a regretful spit)
(Chorus)
‘Cause I kissed her on the lips, beneath the pale moonlight
A moment of pure passion, it felt so dang gone right.
But when I pulled away, to gaze into her eyes
I saw a look of horror, a terrible surprise.
Her pearly whites were stained with a smudge of brownish-green
The most unromantic sight that you have ever seen.
Yeah, I stole a little sugar, a sweet and tender find
But I kissed her on the lips and left my dip behind.
(Outro - Spoken Word)
Dang it, Charlie. You done it again.
That was fresh Copenhagen, too.
Straight from the can.
Such a waste.
...Anyone got a breath mint?
(Fade out with a final, lonely 'ptooey!' sound)
Here are the lyrics for the sassy, boundary-setting honky-tonk hit, "Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Goodbye" by Loretta & The Leavers.
Title: Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, I’m Kissing You Goodbye
Artist: Loretta & The Leavers
Album: Packed Bags & Pavement
Tempo: A fast, swinging shuffle with lots of honky-tonk piano
(Intro: A driving, up-tempo drum beat kicks in, followed by a twangy electric guitar riff and a sassy "Yee-hoo!" from Loretta)
(Verse 1)
The engine’s runnin’ on my Silverado truck
I got my Samsonite packed and I wish you luck.
I told you last Tuesday that we were dead and done
But you seem to think this is all in good fun.
I leaned in close for a final parting glance
A dignified end to our bad romance.
I puckered up my lips for a simple little peck
Next thing I know, you’ve got a stranglehold on my neck!
(Chorus)
Whoa, hold your horses, cowboy, slow your roll!
You’re excavatin’ my tonsils like you’re diggin’ for coal.
This ain’t the start of somethin’, it’s the end of the line
A contractual obligation, a parting sign.
I ain’t lookin’ for passion, I ain’t givin’ it another try
So get your tongue outta my mouth, I’m kissing you goodbye!
(Verse 2)
I remember when your kisses used to make me swoon
Now it feels like I’m bein’ attacked by a wet racoon.
You taste like stale beer and onion dip from last night
Honey, this level of moisture just ain't right.
I’m tryin’ to have a moment, solemn and sincere
And you’re lickin’ my molar like a salt lick, dear.
Read the room, buddy, look at the tears on my face
This ain't second base, it’s a leavin’ space!
(Bridge)
I wanted closure, somethin’ sweet and neat
Before I hit the gas and burn up the street.
But you can’t take a hint, you can’t take a clue
You think a little Frenchin’ is gonna make me stick with you?
(Well, newsflash!)
(Pedal Steel Guitar Solo: A frantic, sliding solo that sounds like someone trying to escape a grasp)
(Chorus)
Whoa, hold your horses, cowboy, slow your roll!
You’re excavatin’ my tonsils like you’re diggin’ for coal.
This ain’t the start of somethin’, it’s the end of the line
A contractual obligation, a parting sign.
I ain’t lookin’ for passion, I ain’t givin’ it another try
So get your tongue outta my mouth, I’m kissing you goodbye!
(Outro - Spoken Word over the music fading)
Ugh. Someone hand me a Wet-Nap.
Seriously, Earl, did you think that was gonna work?
I’m leavin’, not movin’ in to your esophagus.
Keep the dog, he kisses drier than you do.
See ya!
(Sound of a car door slamming and tires peeling out)
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