Here is a list of 100 humorous headlines about the Greenbrier River Trail, broken down by the distinct phases of the experience.
The "Preparation & Gear" Phase
Man Buys $3,000 Bike to Ride on Flat Gravel, Regrets Nothing.
Hiker Packs Enough Trail Mix to Feed Small Colony for a Decade.
"Ultralight" Backpacker Caught Smuggling Cast Iron Skillet.
Local Squirrels Review New REI Fall Collection.
Couple Arguments Over Tent Setup Scheduled for Mile 20.
Woman Spends 4 Hours Choosing Outfit for Place with No Mirrors.
CamelBak Filled with Iced Coffee: Genius or Recipe for Disaster?
Dad Straps Third GoPro to Helmet "Just in Case."
Cyclist Lube Chain for 14th Time Before Leaving Driveway.
Family attempts "Digital Detox," Teenager Goes into Withdrawal at Mile 2.
The "First 10 Miles" Optimism
"This Grade is Less Than 1%!" Shouts Man Who Will Soon Cry.
Hiker Convinced They Are One with Nature After Seeing a Chipmunk.
Group Sets Pace of "Olympic Sprinter," Expected to Crash by Lunch.
Cyclist Waves at Everyone; Arm Fatigue Sets in Before Leg Fatigue.
"I Could Do This All Day," Says Person Who Has Been Hiking for 20 Minutes.
Selfie Stick Usage Causes Minor Traffic Jam Near Caldwell.
Dog Extremely Confused Why We Aren’t Turning Around Yet.
Rookie Mistake: Eating All the Beef Jerky in the First Hour.
Nature Silence Interrupted by Debate over Podcast Choice.
"Is That a Bear?" No, It’s a Large Rock. Again.
The Wildlife & Nature Encounters
Deer Refuses to Move, Clearly Establishing Dominance.
Bear Unimpressed by Hiker’s "Hey Bear!" Chant.
Mosquitoes Host Annual Tasting Menu Event on Cyclist’s Calves.
Groundhog Judging Your Cadence from the Bushes.
Birdwatcher Misses Bald Eagle While Tying Shoe.
Snake on Trail Turns Out to Be Very Convincing Stick.
Raccoon Steals Protein Bar, Leaves Wrapper in Recycling Bin.
Fish in Greenbrier River Laugh at Fisherman’s Fancy Lure.
Butterfly Lands on Helmet, Rider Afraid to Move for 3 Miles.
Goose Hisses at Bicycle Tire; Tire Hisses Back.
The Tunnels & Bridges
Hiker Enters Droop Mountain Tunnel, Emerges in 1925.
"Echo!" Shouted for 500th Time in Sharp’s Tunnel.
Bat in Tunnel Just Wants You to Turn Off That Bright Light.
Cyclist Holds Breath Through Tunnel, Passes Out on Other Side.
Bridge View So Good It Almost Makes You Forget Your Saddle Sores.
Fear of Heights Tested by Looking Through Bridge Planks.
Ghost of Old Train Conductor Reportedly Just Wind in the Trees.
Darkness in Tunnel Absolute; Phone Flashlight Battery: 2%.
Man Scared of Own Shadow Inside Tunnel.
The Light at the End of the Tunnel is Just Another Hiker with a Headlamp.
The "Middle Miles" Delirium
Mile 35: The Mile Where "Fun" Becomes "Philosophy."
Cyclist Hallucinates Pepperoni Roll Floating in Sky.
"Are We There Yet?" Banned Phrase Punishable by Carrying the Tent.
Seat Cushion Theory: It Gets Harder the Longer You Sit.
Hiker Forgets English Language, Communicates Only in Grunts.
Gravel Crunching Sound Now Stuck in Head Forever.
Local Marlinton Resident Watches Tourists Limp into Town.
Couple on Tandem Bike Stop Speaking to Each Other.
Legs File Formal Complaint Against Brain.
"Flat Trail" Rumor Debunked by Slight Headwind.
The Logistics & Camping
Tent Set Up on Slight Incline: Everyone Rolls to One Corner.
Fire Started on First Try; Man Demands Nobel Prize.
Sleeping Bag Rated for 30 Degrees Feels Like Fridge at 45.
Can of Beans Opened with Rock After Opener Forgotten.
River Bathing: Refreshing or Just Hypothermia in Disguise?
Raccoon Unzips Tent, Asks for Wi-Fi Password.
Hiker Wakes Up stiff as a Board, Claims "Best Sleep Ever."
Morning Coffee Made with River Water Has "Earthy" Aftertaste.
Packing Up Camp Takes 3 Hours Longer Than Expected.
Air Mattress Deflates, Hiker Becomes One with the Roots.
The West Virginia Factor
Cell Service Found on One Square Inch of Trail; Celebration Ensues.
"Country Roads" Sung Off-Key by Passing Scout Troop.
Humidity Levels Reach "Swimming Through Air" Status.
Local Diner Portion Sizes Threaten to Sink Bicycle.
Mothman Sighting Turns Out to Be Guy in Rain Poncho.
Sudden Downpour Reminds Everyone Why It’s Called a Rain Forest.
Hiker Discovers Mud is West Virginia’s State Lotion.
Scenic Overlook Ruined by Fog; Still Post to Instagram.
Pothole in Parking Lot Deeper than the River.
Friendly Local Waves; City Hiker Wonders "What Do They Want?"
The Bike Problems
Flat Tire Fix Turn into 2-Hour Engineering Seminar.
Chain Falls Off; Hands Greasy for Rest of Trip.
E-Bike Battery Dies; Rider Discovers Weight of Hub Motor.
Spandex Short Tan Lines Will Never Fade.
Water Bottle Rattles Out of Cage, Rolls into Abyss.
Gravel Bike vs. Mountain Bike Debate Solved by Who Has More Snacks.
Derailleur Makes Mystery Clicking Sound for 40 Miles.
Brakes Squeak Loud Enough to Alert Bears in Next County.
Rider Forgets to Unclip, Topples Over in Slow Motion.
Seat Height Adjusted 1 millimeter; Placebo Effect Instant.
The Final Stretch (Miles 70-78)
Mile 75: Hiker Consider Crawling the Rest of the Way.
Every Tree Looks Identical Now.
"Almost There" is the Most Dangerous Lie.
Hiker Vows to Burn Hiking Boots Upon Completion.
Sprint to the Finish Line Turns into Slow Hobble.
Cass Scenic Railroad Whistle Sounds Like Angel Trumpets.
Body comprised of 60% Dust, 40% Ibuprofen.
Visions of Pizza Guide Cyclist Through Final Miles.
Mile Marker 78: Most Photographed Sign in History.
Finishing the Trail: Expectation vs. Reality (Need Nap).
The Aftermath
Man Walks Like John Wayne for Three Days Post-Ride.
Laundry Machine Files for Retirement After Washing Trail Clothes.
"I’ll Never Do That Again," Says Hiker Planning Next Trip.
Post-Trail Appetite Scare Buffet Owners.
Office Chair Feels Like Heaven on Monday Morning.
Tan Lines Reveal Exactly Where Socks Ended.
Bike Mechanic Retires on Profits from One Group's Tune-Ups.
Instagram Caption "Easy Peasy" Angers Fellow Hikers.
Dream Involves Endless Gravel and No Brakes.
78 Miles Later: Only Lost 1 Pound, Gained 3 Friends.
Would you like me to help you brainstorm a specific itinerary or packing list for a trip to the Greenbrier River Trail?
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