Humorous Complaints

 

Here are 100 humorous tourist complaints about Huntersville and the surrounding Pocahontas County area, organized by category for your amusement.

The "Quiet Zone" & Digital Withdrawal

1. "My phone has been a paperweight for three days. I actually had to read the back of a shampoo bottle."

2. "I held my phone up to the sky like Simba on Pride Rock and still got zero bars."

3. "The 'Quiet Zone' is too quiet. I can hear my own thoughts, and they are mostly about pizza."

4. "I asked where the WiFi was, and the bartender handed me a book."

5. "My teenager is currently going through TikTok withdrawals and shaking in the corner."

6. "I tried to post a selfie with a deer, but by the time I got service, the deer had died of old age."

7. "Google Maps stopped working, so I had to use a paper map like a pirate."

8. "I thought 'Quiet Zone' meant a library, not a federally mandated dead zone for Instagram."

9. "Siri just laughs at me here."

10. "I had to actually talk to my spouse at dinner because we couldn't scroll."

11. "The Green Bank Telescope is listening to space, but I can't listen to Spotify."

12. "I missed a very important group chat argument about brunch."

13. "My Fitbit synced, and then immediately desynced out of spite."

14. "I drove 20 minutes to find a signal just to see a meme I’d already seen."

15. "I can't check the weather app, so I have to use the 'look out the window' method. Barbaric."

The Roads (or Lack Thereof)

16. "The roads here have more curves than a Kardashian."

17. "I didn't know 'paved' was a suggestion rather than a requirement."

18. "My GPS said 'turn left,' and I drove into a creek."

19. "The speed limit is 55, but if you go over 30, you will launch into orbit."

20. "I’ve been driving for an hour and haven't gone a straight mile yet."

21. "I saw a sign that said 'Runaway Truck Ramp' and considered using it just to stop driving."

22. "The potholes are large enough to have their own zip codes."

23. "I got passed by a logging truck on a blind curve and saw my life flash before my eyes."

24. "I’m pretty sure Route 39 is just a paved roller coaster."

25. "I asked for directions and was told to 'turn at the big rock that looks like a bear.'"

26. "My car sickness has car sickness."

27. "I didn't realize 'gravel road' meant 'boulder obstacle course.'"

28. "The deer here don't cross the road; they loiter in the middle of it."

29. "I drove through a cloud. Literally, inside a cloud. I couldn't see my hood ornament."

30. "Every time I think I’m lost, I see a 'Welcome to West Virginia' sign again."

Nature & Wildlife

31. "The mosquitoes here are the size of hummingbirds."

32. "I went fishing and caught a tree. Three times."

33. "A bear looked at me like I was the one intruding. Rude."

34. "The air is so fresh it hurts my city lungs."

35. "I went for a 'light hike' and accidentally climbed a mountain."

36. "There are too many stars. It’s suspicious."

37. "The crickets are louder than the traffic back home."

38. "I saw a groundhog that looked better fed than I am."

39. "The river was 'refreshing,' which is code for 'hypothermia-inducing.'"

40. "I thought 'Watoga' was a yoga pose, not a wilderness survival test."

41. "The trees are so tall I feel insignificant, and I didn't come on vacation for an existential crisis."

42. "I tried to pet a raccoon. It did not go well. 1/10 would not recommend."

43. "The fog here is thick enough to chew."

44. "I woke up to a turkey staring into my soul through the window."

45. "There’s too much green. Can we get some beige?"

Food & Dining

46. "I asked for a kale smoothie and they gave me a pepperoni roll."

47. "The 'salad' came with fries on top. I’m not mad, just confused."

48. "I didn't know 'gravy' was a beverage group here."

49. "I ordered a small biscuit, and it was the size of a hubcap."

50. "Everything is closed on Sundays. Even the vending machines look tired."

51. "I tried to find sushi. I found bait."

52. "The concept of 'light mayo' does not exist in this county."

53. "I asked for a hot dog and they put coleslaw on it without asking. It was a violation."

54. "The portions are so big I had to pay extra for a seat for my leftovers on the flight home."

55. "I asked if the pie was gluten-free. The waitress just blessed my heart."

56. "There are only two spices used here: salt and grease."

57. "I walked into a gas station for water and came out with three pepperoni rolls and a hunting license."

58. "The 'local delicacy' is just carbs wrapped in carbs."

59. "I asked for a vegan option and they removed the bacon from the salad. The ham stayed."

60. "The coffee is strong enough to fuel a tractor."

Accommodations & Lodging

61. "My cabin is so rustic, Lincoln logs look like high-tech architecture."

62. "The 'antique charm' just means the floor creaks when you breathe."

63. "There was a taxidermied deer head over my bed watching me sleep."

64. "The shower water pressure was 'gentle mist' or 'fire hose' with no in-between."

65. "I wanted 'secluded,' but I didn't mean 'nobody will find my body' secluded."

66. "The front desk closes at 6 PM. If you need towels after that, good luck."

67. "My Airbnb host was a cat named Mittens."

68. "The heating system sounds like a freight train in the bedroom."

69. "I had to light a fire to stay warm. I am an accountant, not a pioneer."

70. "The pillow was filled with what I assume were rocks from the river."

71. "I saw a spider in the bathroom that was paying rent."

72. "The 'mountain view' was just a view of a bigger mountain blocking the view."

73. "There is no room service, but a raccoon stole my granola bar."

74. "The WiFi password was 25 characters long and didn't work anyway."

75. "I heard a noise outside and convinced myself it was Bigfoot."

Local Culture & Atmosphere

76. "Everyone waves at you when you drive by. It’s suspicious. What do they know?"

77. "I was called 'honey' 14 times in one hour."

78. "I saw a man wearing camouflage to a wedding."

79. "The local radio station plays the same three country songs on a loop."

80. "People give directions using landmarks that haven't existed for 20 years."

81. "I saw a bumper sticker that said 'Almost Heaven' and now the song is stuck in my head forever."

82. "Everyone drives a truck. My sedan felt bullied."

83. "The concept of 'rushing' is illegal here."

84. "I wore a suit and people asked who died."

85. "The grocery store is also a bait shop and a post office."

86. "I don't understand the obsession with Mothman, and at this point, I'm too afraid to ask."

87. "You can buy ammo and milk in the same aisle."

88. "I felt underdressed because I wasn't wearing Carhartt."

89. "People talk so slowly I aged during the conversation."

90. "The 'town center' is a stop sign."

The "Green Bank" Specifics

91. "The telescope is huge. Like, aggressively huge."

92. "I tried to use a microwave in the Quiet Zone and felt like a criminal."

93. "I learned more about radio waves than I ever wanted to know."

94. "They took my digital camera away. I had to use film."

95. "I expected aliens. I got a science lecture."

96. "The diesel cars at the observatory smell like French fries."

97. "I couldn't Instagram the world's largest steerable telescope. The irony."

98. "I waved at the telescope hoping E.T. would see me."

99. "The silence at the observatory is louder than a rock concert."

100. "I came to find aliens, but I just found peace and quiet. Disgusting."

     Here are 50 more humorous tourist complaints about Huntersville, Pocahontas County, and the general "Wild and Wonderful" experience, diving deeper into specific attractions and the seasons.

     The "Weather" Whiplash

     101. "I experienced winter, spring, and a heatwave all before lunch."

     102. "I packed for summer and had to buy a parka at the Dollar General."

     103. "The fog here doesn't lift; it just waits for you to start driving."

     104. "I asked the forecast, and the local just licked his finger and held it up. He was right, though."

     105. "It snowed in May. I demand a refund from Mother Nature."

     106. "I came for the fall foliage, but the leaves decided to fall off the day before I arrived."

     107. "The humidity hugged me and refused to let go."

     108. "I didn't know 'mud' was considered a season here."

     109. "Thunderstorms here sound like the mountains are bowling."

     110. "I washed my car, and the sky took that personally."

     Attractions & Activities (Cass, Snowshoe, etc.)

     111. "I rode the Cass Scenic Railroad and now I smell like a 1920s coal miner."

     112. "The train goes 5 mph. I could have walked to the top and beaten it."

     113. "I went to Snowshoe and was confused why the resort is at the top of the mountain. Physics is different here."

     114. "I tried to ski and the mountain tried to kill me. The mountain won."

     115. "The Cranberry Glades looked like a swamp, but a 'protected' swamp."

     116. "I saw a carnivorous plant in the Glades and was afraid it would eat my car keys."

     117. "The Highland Scenic Highway is beautiful, but my brakes were smoking by the bottom."

     118. "I went to the dropping of the 'ball' on New Year's, but it was a possum? (Note: Not Huntersville specifically, but very WV)."

     119. "I visited a Civil War battlefield and got into an argument with a ghost hunter."

     120. "I went to a 'Pickin' in the Park' event and realized I have zero rhythm."

     Shopping & The Economy

     121. "I tried to use Apple Pay at a roadside stand and the lady looked at me like I was speaking Klingon."

     122. "I bought 'genuine' moonshine and now I can see through time."

     123. "The antique store smelled like my grandmother’s attic, but with price tags."

     124. "I went in for milk and came out with a handmade quilt and a jar of pickled eggs."

     125. "I couldn't find a Starbucks, so I had to drink coffee that actually tasted like coffee."

     126. "The nearest mall is two hours away. My credit card is actually healing."

     127. "I bought a walking stick because everyone else had one. I have nowhere to walk."

     128. "The gas prices are lower, but the gas stations are 40 miles apart. It's a trap."

     129. "I bought maple syrup that was made in a tree I can see from the window. Too local."

     130. "I asked where the 'downtown' shopping district was. They pointed to the General Store."

     The "Language" Barrier & Social Etiquette

     131. "I said 'you guys' instead of 'y'all' and the room went silent."

     132. "I asked what a 'holler' was and got a 20-minute geography lesson."

     133. "People keep asking 'who my people are.' I don't know how to answer that."

     134. "A stranger waved at me on a back road and I thought I was being pulled over."

     135. "I was told something was 'over yonder.' I still haven't found 'yonder.'"

     136. "I asked for a soda and they called it 'pop.' We had a standoff."

     137. "If one more person says 'fixin' to,' I'm fixin' to lose it."

     138. "I interrupted a story to ask for the check. Big mistake. The story started over."

     139. "I was told to 'watch out for the deer' so many times it feels like a threat."

     140. "The hospitality is aggressive. Let me carry my own bag!"

     More Nature & Survival

     141. "I saw a sign for 'Bear Proof Trash Cans' and realized I am the softest thing in the food chain."

     142. "The fireflies are nice until one flies into your mouth."

     143. "I thought I heard a wolf. It was a beagle."

     144. "I tried to sleep in a tent and realized the ground is made of spine-seeking rocks."

     145. "The water in the creek is so clear I could see the fish judging my casting technique."

     146. "I went foraging for mushrooms and found poison ivy instead."

     147. "The darkness at night is absolute. I couldn't find my own nose."

     148. "I saw a bobcat. It didn't look like the one in the university logo."

     149. "I underestimated how steep 'steep' is."

     150. "I came to conquer the mountain, but my calves surrendered on day one."

      

     Here are 50 more humorous tourist complaints to round out the list to 200, focusing on the river, the specific local "delicacies," and the unique challenges of the West Virginia wilderness.

     The River Life (Greenbrier River & Waterways)

     151. "I went tubing to relax, but I spent 4 hours fighting a rock. The rock won."

     152. "The river was so low I ended up hiking the riverbed while wearing a rubber tube."

     153. "I tried to look graceful in a kayak and capsized in two inches of water."

     154. "I didn't realize 'river time' meant we wouldn't get back to the car until Tuesday."

     155. "A fish jumped into my canoe. It was an assault."

     156. "I skipped a stone and it hit the other bank. The river is narrower than my driveway."

     157. "I saw a snake swimming. I have burned the kayak."

     158. "The 'waterfall' was just a leak in the rocks."

     159. "I thought fly fishing involved more fishing and less untangling line from tree branches."

     160. "My waterproof phone case worked, which is good, because I dropped it immediately."

     Culinary Adventures: The "Ramp" Situation

     161. "I ate a 'ramp' (wild leek) and now my breath has been declared a biohazard."

     162. "I didn't know an onion could have an attitude problem."

     163. "The whole town smelled like garlic and socks. Apparently, this is a 'festival.'"

     164. "I asked for a salad without ramps. They looked at me like I hated joy."

     165. "My sweat smells like ramps three days later. I am marinating from the inside out."

     166. "I tried a 'ramp burger.' I am now single because my spouse won't come near me."

     167. "I bought ramp salt, ramp jelly, and ramp wine. I don't even like ramps. I panicked."

     Hiking & The Greenbrier River Trail

     168. "The trail is flat, they said. It will be easy, they said. My blisters have blisters."

     169. "I walked through a spiderweb and did a karate routine that would win a gold medal."

     170. "I biked 10 miles out and forgot I had to bike 10 miles back."

     171. "I saw a sign for 'Minnehaha Springs' and expected a resort. It was just water."

     172. "The tunnel on the trail is pitch black. I touched a wet wall and cried."

     173. "I tried to take a shortcut through the woods. I am now a resident of the woods."

     174. "I met a hiker who had been walking since Georgia. I felt bad complaining about my shin splints."

     175. "I thought 'switchback' was a dance move, not a form of torture."

     Local Festivals & Events

     176. "I went to the 'Roadkill Cookoff' (in nearby Marlinton) and I’m still not sure if they were joking."

     177. "I saw a man playing a saw with a violin bow. And it sounded good? I’m confused."

     178. "The Pioneer Days parade lasted four hours. I aged a decade."

     179. "I won a cake at a 'cakewalk.' I don't know what a cakewalk is, but I have a cake now."

     180. "I saw a quilting bee and it was more competitive than the Super Bowl."

     181. "I went to a square dance and got tangled in my own limbs."

     The "Cryptid" & Spooky Factor

     182. "I heard a weird noise and immediately assumed it was the Mothman."

     183. "The woods at night are too dark. Like, horror movie dark."

     184. "I saw a pair of glowing eyes. It was probably a deer, but I’m telling everyone it was a Sasquatch."

     185. "I bought a 'Bigfoot' sticker and now I think he’s following me."

     186. "The old jail in town looks like it’s definitely haunted. I didn't go in."

     187. "I read a ghost story about the Greenbrier Ghost and slept with the lights on."

     188. "Every noise in the cabin is a ghost. It can't possibly be the settling wood."

     Miscellaneous Rural Struggles

     189. "I had to use a payphone. I had to explain to my kids what it was. They thought it was a time machine."

     190. "I tried to buy alcohol on Sunday morning. The cashier laughed at me."

     191. "The 'General Store' didn't sell sushi. I was disappointed."

     192. "I saw a sign that said 'Pavement Ends' and it wasn't a warning, it was a promise."

     193. "I got stuck behind a tractor for 15 miles. We are best friends now."

     194. "My car is now a permanent shade of 'dusty.'"

     195. "I forgot to wave at a passing car and felt the guilt for hours."

     196. "I saw a mailbox shaped like a bass fish. It was the highlight of my drive."

     197. "The air is so clean I got dizzy."

     198. "I realized that 'just down the road' means 20 miles."

     199. "I tried to leave, but the scenery was too pretty. I guess I live here now."

     200. "I finally got cell service as I was leaving, and I immediately turned my phone off. I miss the quiet."