Pizza in Huntersville

 

 

To the Proprietor of the Huntersville Pizza Parlour,

 

Sir,

 

I am writing to express my profound disappointment with the repast I was recently served at your establishment. While I commend the spirit of enterprise in these trying times, the culinary offering presented to myself and my aides was, to put it mildly, a disservice to the good name of victuals.

 

We were persuaded to try a concoction your establishment refers to as "pizza"—a curious name for a most perplexing dish. It was described as a type of savoury pie, yet what arrived was a disc of baked dough, alarmingly thin in the center and possessed of a most unyielding crust, which threatened the integrity of more than one molar.

 

Upon this foundation was spread a rather aggressively seasoned tomato conserve, which, I must confess, bore a disconcerting resemblance to field dressings after a particularly messy engagement. This was then strewn with what was purported to be "cheese," though its texture and flavour were unlike any dairy product I have previously encountered. It possessed a certain stringiness that, while perhaps novel, was not conducive to dignified consumption. 

 

Finally, the entire affair was dotted with small, greasy discs of a spiced meat product of indeterminate origin. I can only surmise that these were some form of hardtack, perhaps rendered more palatable by the addition of pepper, though I fear the attempt was not entirely successful.

 

Sir, my men and I have endured considerable hardship in the field. We have subsisted on parched corn, stringy beef, and coffee of dubious provenance. Yet, I daresay, this "pizza" rivals even the most meagre of our campaign rations in its capacity to dismay the palate and challenge the digestive fortitude.

 

I had hoped for a moment of respite, a taste of civilization amidst the clamour of war. Instead, I find myself penning this missive, fueled by indigestion and a sense of profound culinary regret. One expects a certain standard, even in Huntersville. This, I regret to inform you, fell far short.

 

I trust you will take these comments under advisement and endeavour to improve your offerings. The morale of both soldier and civilian alike can be greatly influenced by the quality of their sustenance.

 

Yours in disappointment,

R. E. Lee

General, C.S.A.

(Temporarily billeted near Huntersville, and regretting his choice of luncheon)