Clever Elsie with a Redneck Twist

 

Clever Elsie with a Redneck Twist

Once upon a time, down in Holler County, there was a gal named Elsie. Folks called her "Clever Elsie" 'cause her head spun faster than a greased pig on an ice rink. Now, her daddy wanted to get her hitched, but Elsie ain't the marryin' type. So, when a fella named Hank comes courtin', she lays down a condition: he gotta prove she's smart enough for him.

Hank, ain't the sharpest tool in the shed, agrees. He figures her brain ain't worth a rusty plowshare if she can't even fetch a beer. So, they're sittin' at supper, bellies full of grub, when Hank says, "Elsie, fetch me a cold one from the cellar, ya hear?"

Elsie grabs the pitcher quick, taps it like a woodpecker to make it sound busy, and heads down the stairs. Now, instead of bendin' her back and sweatin' buckets, Elsie plops herself on a chair right under the barrel. Ain't nobody gonna say Clever Elsie hurts her spine for a sudsy treat!

While the keg fills, Elsie ain't lettin' her eyes get lazy. She sees this pickaxe hangin' above, lookin' mighty precarious. And that's when the waterworks start flowin'. "Oh, Hank," she wails, "if we get married and have a young'un, and he comes down here for a sip, that rusty axe might fall and squish him like a bug!"

The wails get louder, echoin' up the stairs. Hank gets thirsty, then worried. He sends the maid down, then the boy, then his wife, all findin' Elsie in a tearful meltdown. The reason? Her unborn child's tragic fate with the pickaxe.

By now, even Hank can't hold back a sob. He rushes down to the cellar, sees the whole family moanin' like coyotes at a funeral, and hears their sob story. "Whoa, there!" he says, "That's the cleverest wife a man could ask for! You seein' danger before it happens, that's pure genius!"

And just like that, Hank marries Elsie. He figures, her smarts will keep 'em one step ahead of trouble, whether it's fallin' axes or burnt biscuits.

One day, Hank sets off to earn some coin, leavin' Elsie to tend the fields. Now, Elsie ain't the farmhand type. She whips up a tasty stew, grabs it with her to the cornfield, and figures, "Work can wait, a full belly comes first!"

So, Elsie polishes off her stew and then decides, "What's better than a satisfied belly? A good nap!" And down she plops among the cornstalks, snoozin' like a cat in a sunbeam.

Hours tick by, shadows grow long, and Hank's back home, wonderin' where his industrious wife is. He finds her nappin' like a baby, corn stalks for a canopy. He shakes his head, but can't help but grin. "My Elsie," he mutters, "she works even harder when I ain't lookin'!"

But as evening comes, Hank wants his supper. He finds the cornfield untouched, Elsie still snoozin', and decides to have a little fun. He grabs a bird net, hangs it all around Elsie with tinklin' bells, and heads back home, snickerin' like a possum after a chicken coop raid.

When Elsie wakes up, surrounded by jingling bells and shadows, she gets spooked. "Is this me?" she wonders, her head spinnin' faster than a chicken hawk in a whirlwind. She wanders from house to house, asking if she's inside, but the jinglin' and the doubt scare everyone away.

Finally, lost and bewildered, Clever Elsie leaves the village, never to be seen again.

So, there you have it. The tale of Clever Elsie, the gal who saw danger in falling pickaxes and preferred naps to cornfields. Her story might not end with a happily ever after, but it reminds us that sometimes, bein' a little bit weird might just save you from a rusty axe to the head.

Remember, folks, safety first, even if it means a snooze under a cornstalk or two!

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 Grimms’ Fairy Tales

By Jacob Grimm and Wilhelm Grimm

Rewrite this in the style of a redneck: CLEVER ELSIE There was once a man who had a daughter who was called Clever Elsie. And when she had grown up her father said: ‘We will get her married.’ ‘Yes,’ said the mother, ‘if only someone would come who would have her.’