Pocahontas Cuisine

 

Give me the dialogue for vendor at the Pocahontas Roadkill Festival (serious) and a and a stingy (cynical) tourist). A stand-up comedy duo format with a straight man  and a funny man
Show drafts

(Setting: A bustling booth at the Pocahontas Autumn Harvest Festival. GREG, a friendly vendor in his late 40s with a welcoming smile, stands behind a table overflowing with delicious-looking stews and smoked meats. PHIL, a middle-aged tourist with a permanently furrowed brow, eyes the spread suspiciously)

Greg: Welcome to Wild Bill's Game Grill! How can I tempt your taste buds today?

Phil: (Squinting at a steaming pot)  Is that... raccoon chili?

Greg: (Beaming) Absolutely! Slow-cooked with fire-roasted corn, black beans, and a touch of chipotle. It's a crowd favorite!

Phil: A crowd of what, raccoons? Look, buddy, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but I drove three hours for a "roadkill" cook-off.  I'm expecting, you know, roadkill.

Greg: (Chuckles) Well, sir, that's where the name comes from! It's all about wild game, ethically sourced of course. We wouldn't want any squirrels meeting an unfortunate demise on our account.

Phil: (Sarcastically)  Oh thank goodness for squirrel safety.  Look, ethically sourced possum sausage doesn't exactly scream "authentic roadkill experience" to me.

Greg: (Undeterred)  Well, how about some wild boar sliders? Marinated in a sweet and spicy bourbon glaze, cooked to juicy perfection.

Phil: Wild boar, huh? Sounds fancy. You sure you didn't just poach some hot dogs and call them wild boar?

Greg: (Sighs) Sir, I assure you, everything here is genuine wild game. We take pride in using every part of the animal, respecting nature's bounty.

Phil: (Snorting) Respecting nature's bounty by charging ten bucks for a raccoon dog?  Nature should be paying us to take that stuff off its hands.

Greg: (Smiling politely) You know, sir, a lot of folks come here with the same expectation.  But once they try the food, they're pleasantly surprised.  The flavors are incredible.

Phil: (Raising an eyebrow) Flavors?  Look, buddy, I'm not here for a gourmet experience. I'm here for the thrill of potentially ingesting something that might have been flattened by a Mack truck.  You got anything vaguely resembling roadkill here?

Greg: (A mischievous glint in his eye) Well, we do have a mystery meat hotdog special. Leftovers from all the wild game, ground up into a surprise package.

Phil: (Eyes widening) Now you're talking!  Hit me with two!

**(Greg ladles a generous helping of chili and two mystery meat hotdogs onto a plate. Phil takes a cautious bite of the chili, then his eyes widen in surprise)

Phil: (Mumbling with a full mouth)  Hey, this raccoon chili ain't bad...

 Phil:

 (Chewing thoughtfully)  Alright, alright, I'll admit it. This chili's got a kick.  But two bucks a cup for raccoon? That's highway robbery!

Greg: (Chuckles) Fair enough.  Tell you what, how about a little game? Guess the mystery meat in your hotdog, and I'll knock a dollar off the chili.

Phil: (Eyes gleaming) A challenge? You're on, vendor man!  I bet it's just mystery... meat.

Greg: (Smiling) A bold guess, sir.  But there's more to the wild than meets the eye, or stomach, as the case may be.  Take a bite, savor the mystery.

Phil: (Takes a bite, chews dramatically) Hmm...  Is it... beaver?  No, too musky.  Wombat?  Definitely not wombat.  This is a tough one...

Greg: (Enjoying the show)  Keep at it, sir!  The answer might surprise you.

Phil: (Eyes narrowing)  This has gotta be some obscure game I've never even heard of.  Capybara?  Greater Kudu?  Come on, spill it!

Greg: (Just as Phil throws his hands up in defeat)  Alright, alright!  No more guesses?

Phil: (Grumbling) Fine. You win. What's the mystery meat?

Greg: (With a flourish) Why, it's... wild boar!

Phil: (Jaw drops)  Wild boar?  You said those fancy sliders were wild boar!

Greg: (Winks)  And they are!  Just like this mystery meat surprise.  See, wild boar can be enjoyed in many ways.

Phil: (Sputtering)  You... you tricked me!  I paid gourmet prices for mystery roadkill that was actually... gourmet?

Greg: (Patting Phil on the shoulder)  Sometimes, sir, the best surprises come in unexpected packages.  Now, how about another cup of that delightful "roadkill" chili?

Phil: (Sheepishly)  Alright, alright.  You got me.  But you gotta throw in some napkins this time.  This stuff is good.