Uncle Jerry's Advice On How to Eat

 

Alright, y'all gather 'round, 'cause Uncle Jerry's got somethin' to say about eatin' manners, or lack thereof, at a fancy dinner. Now, I ain't sayin' you gotta act like a hoity-toity duke, but there's a time and place for everything, and this here fancy dinner ain't the place for:

1. Slurpin' your soup like a hungry hog at a trough. A quiet spoon sip is all you need, folks.

2. Talkin' with your mouth full. No one wants to see your mashed potatoes do the hokey pokey on your tongue.

3. Cuttin' your meat with your elbows flyin' like a windmill in a hurricane. Slow and steady wins the race, even when it comes to cuttin' your steak.

4. Reachin' across the table like you playin' leapfrog. Ask politely to have the dish passed, don't play acrobatics over the mashed potatoes.

5. Pickin' your teeth with your fork. That's what napkins are for, bless your heart.

6. Scoopin' up the leftover gravy with your bread like you're soppin' up molasses in January. There's a spoon for a reason, use it!

7. Talkin' about your ailments or bodily functions. Nobody wants to hear about your "troubles" at the dinner table.

8. Complainin' about the food like a fussy two-year-old. If you don't like it, there's always water and polite silence.

9. Hogging the conversation. Let others get a word in edgewise, don't be a chatterbox.

10. Spillin' your drink like a clumsy newborn. Take your time and be mindful.

11. Usin' your phone like it's glued to your hand. This ain't the time for social media, it's time for social interaction.

12. Leanin' back in your chair like you're about to take a nap. Sit up straight and show some respect.

13. Talkin' with your mouth full of food, part two. Seriously, folks, this one's important.

14. Burpin' loud and proud like you just won a burpin' contest. Excuse yourself and do it discreetly.

15. Puttin' your elbows on the table like you own the place. Keep your elbows off the table, it's not a comfortable place for them anyway.

16. Stirrin' your iced tea like you're churnin' butter. A gentle swirl is all you need.

17. Chewin' with your mouth open like a cow chewin' its cud. Close your mouth while you chomp, folks.

18. Tickle-tacklin' your neighbor for a laugh. Save the roughhousing for another time, this ain't a wrestling match.

19. Talkin' politics or religion. These are hot-button topics best left out of polite conversation.

20. Complimentin' the hostess on her "interesting" choice of tablecloth. If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all.

21. Usin' your napkin like a handkerchief. Your nose has its own dedicated cloth, folks.

22. Leavin' your plate lookin' like a war zone. Cut your food into manageable bites and don't make a mess.

23. Forgetting to say "please" and "thank you." Manners cost nothin' and make a big difference.

24. Offerin' unsolicited advice on how to cook the food. The hostess did her best, be appreciative.

25. Takin' leftovers without askin'. Always ask before you assume you can take food home.

26. Comin' to the table with greasy hands and a messy face. Wash up before you sit down, it shows respect.

27. Talkin' loudly and disruptively. Be mindful of others and keep your voice down.

28. Leavin' your chair pulled out at the table. Push your chair in when you're finished, it's a small but important courtesy.

29. Forgettin' to thank the hostess for the meal. A sincere "thank you" goes a long way.

30. Leavin' a mess on the table or floor. Clean up after yourself, it's the right thing to do.

Remember, folks, a little bit of manners goes a long way. Follow these simple rules, and you'll be the most polite and well-behaved guest at