"I used to be schizophrenic but ..."

 

Complete this statement in 20 humorous different sentences:

"I used to be schizophrenic but..."

1. "... now I can finally have a decent conversation with myself. Turns out, I'm pretty witty!"
2. "... now I only hear one voice in my head complaining about student loans. Progress?"
3. "... now I can pay double for movie tickets. Two eyes, two experiences, right?"
4. "... now my online dating profile is extra exciting. 'Looking for love, and maybe a ghost or two!'"
5. "... now I need double the coffee to keep up with all my internal monologues."
6. "... now I'm a human echo chamber. Everything I say comes back to me... literally."
7. "... now I'm a party of one! But hey, at least the dishes always get done."
8. "... now I can finally win arguments against myself. Take that, inner critic!"
9. "... now parallel parking is a breeze. I can see both sides of the car perfectly!"
10. "... now I need double the wardrobe. You never know what mood my imaginary friend is in."
11. "... now hide-and-seek champion. Nobody can hide from me, not even myself!"
12. "... now a mime extraordinaire. Turns out talking to yourself looks pretty impressive without sound."
13. "... now a freelance brainstorming consultant. Two heads are better than one, right?"
14. "... now the world's best ping pong player. Who needs an opponent when you have two hands?"
15. "... now a ghost whisperer in training. Turns out all those voices weren't so imaginary after all."
16. "... now a world-class multitasker. I can argue with myself and make dinner at the same time!"
17. "... now writing a tell-all book titled 'My Adventures in Schizophrenia: It Wasn't All Bad!'"
18. "... now the world's worst secret keeper. I can't even keep my own thoughts a secret!"
19. "... now offering a discount on therapy sessions. Two for the price of one! (Imaginary friend not included)"